Well school started last thursday, and I am now about halfway through my first week there. Donna and I are still in the process of moving into our apartment, and we are excited that we finally got internet in this place.
But meanwhile, things between me and the Lord don't seem as fine. Lately, I've been feeling like He's disappointed in me, and I've been also feeling sometimes almost overwhelming feelings of fear, and worry, about class, about finances, about time management, and to top it off, I have been feeling spiritually inadequate when it comes to the school of ministry.
I talk to the guys, and they all have ministries they are all involved in, and they just seem to be on a spiritual level way past me, which makes it very hard to try to relate to. and I just feel... frustrated I guess. and I hate it, I'm supposed to be the one who is encouraging Donna, but I find that she more often is the one who has to encourage me. I just feel like a shadow has descended upon me.
Now I know that to some degree that this is a spiritual attack, and also to some degree it is just because I feel uncomfortable. But I just need that peace that comes from the Lord, I need His guidance, and I need His strength. So if you all could pray for me about that that would be awesome.
Now one of my favorite titles of God is redeemer. How He takes what is broken down, that which is messy and worthless to many people, and how He takes it and makes something new, and beautiful out of it. God I pray that you do that. Redeem this time, use even this time of trial and make something beautiful out of it. I do not want to spend this time being a mopey sourpuss. So God take this time, and make something out of it. Something that glorifies you.
Sorry if this post was a bit down. But being able to write this out actually helped me to process this stuff a lot quicker and better.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Prayer
It's only 2 weeks before the School of ministry begins, and we still do not have an apartment, or any form of gainful employment. And this is frustrating me to no end, I know that God wants me here, I know that He wants me to be going go the school of ministry, yet He still has not given me what I need to be able to survive there, and I hate that.
I hear about those stories of God coming in at the last minute and providing everything that people need, and I am hoping that that will be the case with us as well. But what if I read the signals wrong? What if I am not called to go to Costa Mesa, what then? I have placed all my attention on this one thing because I felt that that is where the Lord is leading me, and I really have no backup plan. So if you could pray for me and Donna right now about that that would be great, you can read the rest of my blog when you are done, it'll still be here.
Lately, because of this situation, I have been praying a lot. However, something that Donna mentioned to me in passing really made me think. Where has my prayer focus been lately? Prayer is supposed to be communication between me and God, however, I believe that I have begun to mess that idea up.
See, as of late, my prayers consist primarily of me asking God for things, like a job, or an apartment, or peace, or many other things. Now praying for these things are not bad. But, my prayer life has switched from spending time talking with and getting to know God, to that of a boy only talking to his Father so that he can get something. I'm reminded of the movie "Fools Gold" (The movie was ok, not really worth seeing). Now in that movie, we have a rich father, whose relationship with his daughter essentially revolves around her asking her dad for things, and then him giving them to her.
That's not what God wants, and that is not what I want. Paul commands us in 1 Thessalonians 5 to pray without ceasing. While this shows us how our attitude should be, one of constant communication with our Lord, it also shows us God's heart in that He wants to be a part of every activity. He wants to be intimately involved with every activity, and sadly instead I mostly only come to Him when I need money.
It is so good to hear when God tells me these things. So now as I pray I'm not just going to give God my list of things I need, but instead meditate on Him, and His Word, and spend time in Koininia with Him.
I hear about those stories of God coming in at the last minute and providing everything that people need, and I am hoping that that will be the case with us as well. But what if I read the signals wrong? What if I am not called to go to Costa Mesa, what then? I have placed all my attention on this one thing because I felt that that is where the Lord is leading me, and I really have no backup plan. So if you could pray for me and Donna right now about that that would be great, you can read the rest of my blog when you are done, it'll still be here.
Lately, because of this situation, I have been praying a lot. However, something that Donna mentioned to me in passing really made me think. Where has my prayer focus been lately? Prayer is supposed to be communication between me and God, however, I believe that I have begun to mess that idea up.
See, as of late, my prayers consist primarily of me asking God for things, like a job, or an apartment, or peace, or many other things. Now praying for these things are not bad. But, my prayer life has switched from spending time talking with and getting to know God, to that of a boy only talking to his Father so that he can get something. I'm reminded of the movie "Fools Gold" (The movie was ok, not really worth seeing). Now in that movie, we have a rich father, whose relationship with his daughter essentially revolves around her asking her dad for things, and then him giving them to her.
That's not what God wants, and that is not what I want. Paul commands us in 1 Thessalonians 5 to pray without ceasing. While this shows us how our attitude should be, one of constant communication with our Lord, it also shows us God's heart in that He wants to be a part of every activity. He wants to be intimately involved with every activity, and sadly instead I mostly only come to Him when I need money.
It is so good to hear when God tells me these things. So now as I pray I'm not just going to give God my list of things I need, but instead meditate on Him, and His Word, and spend time in Koininia with Him.
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